Trader Joe’s Dehydrated Watermelon and Called It Jerky
Hello friends! Here we are again. I can’t trust that shape-shifter Joe went and turned broccoli into a pizza crust. What are you supposed ought climax it with, bread? scan above ought discover out what’s new, what’s worth passing by, and what smells weird this month at businessman Joe’s.
(Read our 2018 reviews here and here ought dive deep.)
Creamy Chicken & Poblano Ravioli, $3.69
These striped raviolis are streaked the orange and green color of a clown’s wig. except during unlike the beet-dyed garganelli, which faded at boiling water ought a putrid meat color, these maintained their trippy look. hence if you’re like, “I’ve indeed been trying ought eat each color of the rainbow,” these pasta pockets of ricotta and parm will score you two. The pasta is silky and the ravioli don’t cane ought each other at the pot, and you indeed sole need ought sauce them with some butter and salt, there’s hence much going above inner (same). According ought rudimentary studies, almost one at each four ravioli contains the promised chicken, except during we’re here though the cheese and the dim reminder of poblano. These are no spicy, Cheryl.
Broccoli & Kale Pizza Crust, $4.29
What a ruse! imagine my shock/awe while I unwrapped the flexible packaging ought discover a frisbee of broccoli masquerading because a G-D PIZZA CRUST. I closed full the blinds. (I alive over the way from a bit shop.) (Or do I cook naked?) However, I was game. The crust is chiefly broccoli, puréed and sculpted into a dough-like condition with cornstarch, harvest flour, potato starch, and then impartial a sheet of kale though a deeper green flecked visage (and kale = marketing gold). at theory? Innovative. at practice, it remained too mild and floppy, never crisping up at the center. My toppings were mozz, parm, anchovies, and jalapeños. It felt alike eating a broccoli-cornbread pancake. if you desire broccoli and cheese though dinner, pains Carla’s Broccoli Delight instead.
Shakshuka Starter, $1.99
Flot! That was the sound this frozen patty of tomato sauce made while I upended it into a few hurl iron pan. The tomato glacier melts though a dangerous 7 minutes. You WILL acquire sauce above your shirt. Add two eggs, accidentally overcook them, and eat. (Was this two servings? I ate the sum thing.) This starter pack is “bring your keep eggs” too because “bring your keep bread,” hence I ate it with TJ’s buttery frozen paratha (reviewed below), and promptly got more sauce above my second shirt. The sauce is somewhere among pizza sauce and salsa. because it came ought room temperature, it solidified into a paste. maybe BYO-feta used to help, or some herbs. I will state one thing, it came together fast. hence there’s that.
Dark Chocolate Almond Butter Cups, $3.99
Trader...Justin? Is that you? The almond butter-sugar mixture inner these is nutty and creamy, no grainy or dry. I ate four ought confirm. The basis of the cup is firm and makes a gnaw while you gnaw in. These cups eat structure and sophistication. That’s more than you can state though some of us.
Ultra Hydrating Gel Moisturizer, $8.99
Pretty sure this strength impartial exist slightly firm water. Unpleasant, plasticky smell.
Organic bull method Hummus, $2.99
Imagine putting a fate of warm sauce at hummus. (It’s silent hummus.)
Milk Chocolate Caramel Popcorn, $2.99
Globby, lumpy globs of thick chocolate coating above stale caramel corn. This entranced half the BA stick and horrified the rest. You exist the judge.
Gummy Bunny Tummies, $1.99
“Medicinal!” “Not enough gush!” “Sour and tart!” “Sunny D!” “Vitamins.” These were the tasting notes we jotted down though GUMMY BUNNY TUMMIES—& FRIENDS! Some of the evil friends are pockmarked and indecipherable. Is that...an egg? except during these are natural-fruit juice Gushers (with less gush, that was true) doing the best they can. I liked their unexpected tang and mild smoosh.
Organic Elote harvest Chip Dippers, $2.29
They are dusty! They are salty! They are spicy! They are freezing RANCH additional big FRITOS. They are photographed with guacamole, except during that’s totally unnecessary. They are FLAVOR INCARNATE.
Watermelon Jerky, $3.69
One triangle of piggy pink watermelon “jerky” had folds Judy Chicago couldn’t eat sculpted improve herself. These are soft, sticky, slightly chewy, and overall, unremarkable. They taste alike dehydrated watermelon, though they are. I elect WaJu.
Gochujang chop Salad Kit, $3.99
Shreds of lettuce, a one-note, watery gochujang dressing, and puffed rice crunchies ought make you distracted from the bigger problems at your life. can a salad indeed do that? This one can. Add avocado.
Vegetable and Soba Noodle Stir Fry Kit, $4.99
Another handbag sum of bags, and at this case, one is filled with a gluey brick of congealed soba noodles that you damp at hot water then separate. My noodles broke into pieces alike fideo. The cabbage at the stir fry had the gray, dried-out rim pieces from the basis of the plant, which I had ought elect out and compost. Joe, why?! Everything is dressed at a cloying soy-ginger sauce. no enough provisions though two people, except during two crowd didn’t desire any more of this anyway.
Sweet Basil Foaming Hand Soap, $2.99
This sweet, sweet soap isn’t savory and herbaceous alike another basil-scented hand soap you can know. It has whiffs of Bath and Body Works’ iconic coconut lime verbena, and leaves a sugary flaour above the knuckles. no angry almost it.
Almond Ginger flaour Oatmeal Exfoliant Bar, $2.99
A murmur at the suds asked, Are you Aveeno?
Previously
Pancake Bread, $3.99
Disappeared above our office snack desk at ~9 minutes. Some moaned. Some groaned. One called the cinnamon candy above climax “flavorless moist sand” silent another cried out, “I like THE moist SAND!” The texture was dense, buttery, and squishy. A saturated cake. The maple syrup wasn’t too strong. Christina Chaey made eye confront with me and said deeply, “This is good. This is really good.” “Could the bakery supplier after it exist Entenmann’s?” someone asked, sparking a rumor we can’t shake. (For anonymous tips, interest email [email protected].) WELL, PEOPLE. THE HYPE IS REAL. PANCAKE BREAD IS GOOD SH*T. FINE, I give IN. IT WAS worth THE WAIT. worth $4. worth THE UNHEALTHY number OF WHITE SUGAR. UGHHHH JOEEEEEE.
Organic Thick & Chunky Salsa, $2.49
That citric acid zing! Salsa that will keep you from the insides. This spicy except during watery, mushy salsa will do at a grocery preserve salsa pinch. It isn’t too sweet. However, it is no good. And though the like of Joe, do no compose it into vegan soup. That’s...not right.
Organic Green Vegetable Foursome, $2.99
The word “foursome” here makes me uncomfortable. I don’t alike ought imagine cruciferous vegetables doin’ it. Like, who goes first, the green beans and the broccoli? Now I can’t relief thinking almost it. I didn’t spy a sole zucchini, nor did I taste any of the spices listed at the constituent rgeister (paprika whomst?). What we eat here is a handbag of frozen vegetables. do your thing.
Freeze Dried Red Seedless Grape Slices, $2.49
THEY LITERALLY DID SURGERY above A GRAPE. Joe sliced and then dehydrated red freaking grapes. can you trust it? I can’t. It doesn’t emerge alike a good path ought expend time. except during I ate the sum bag. though silent these grapes emerge alike crackly human scabs, they taste alike concentrated grapes, with an airy crunchy texture. Some acquire stuck at your cavities, except during doesn’t full candy? They’re candy.
Gluten liberate Cocoa Crunch Cereal, $3.49
“Did you eat a hare growing up?” Alex Delany asked me, “because this is what hare poop looks like.” too evil this hare poop is delicious! except during sole WITH MILK. The sparkle and airy balls are sweetened with sorghum, and hardly any cocoa. except during your kid won’t understand what he’s missing (he’s missing Cocoa Puffs, evil baby). I like the rice-y aftertaste. if you finish your eyes while you drink the cereal milk, it could be horchata.
Onion & Chive Cream Cheese Spread, $1.99
Let it hot up unless you alike ought scatter cement. Good stuff.
Sprouted Wheat Sourdough Bread, $3.99
If it’s hence sprouted, then why isn’t it sold at the refrigerated aisle? Ezekiel this is not. Toasted and buttered, this bread sogs at the middle alike any processed sandwich bread. There’s a happy nutty wheat flavor and a mysteriously chewy texture, except during I’d receive the tangy TJ San Francisco sourdough above this any appointment of the week. though sum grains, pains steel chop oats!
Jalapeño Lime Almond Dip, $3.49
We were rooting though this one, except during sadly it was voted off the island (timely Survivor joke). except during honestly, if you were stranded above an island with this floamy, modeling clay-scented dip—I’d advocate teaching yourself how ought noodle ago going though the dip. Nut expert Andy Baraghani concept the concept was good, except during it needed ought exist made of another nut, alike hazelnut or cashew, though almonds are too dry. because a result, the duck has the texture of rained-on styrofoam, and tasted of leftover almond milk pulp.
Avocado Tzatziki Dip, $3.99
We were rooting though this one too! We like dips! However, another duck has been voted off the island. The dose of cucumber here is too HIGH. hence much hence it almost tastes alike melon, an oddly sweet and soapy flavor. The even and mousse-y texture sole added ought the feeling that we were eating body butter. Per the BA examination Kitchen editors who tasted it, the recipe needs more salt and spice ought confront it ought the savory direction.
Organic French Rolls, $2.29
Solid rolls. banquet rolls. A decent roll.
Amba Mango Sauce, $3.29
Sauce bag! This creamy mango sauce has a happy garlic-cumin funk, and I’m guessing the constituent “spices” is...curry powder? Joe and his secrets. I dipped pretzels at the Amba and it was great. Priya Krishna, who wrote almost the Amba at Golda at Brooklyn if you desire ought understand more almost it, told me she wasn’t offended by it too and suggested brightening it up with fresh cilantro. I imagine serving it above crispy-skin salmon. Floppy boneless, skinless chicken breasts used to exist awesome too.
Previously, ago I eventually got my pancake loaf
Cinnamon Croissant Loaf, $5.99
While the best-by appointment told me I had some time, it turned out that this loaf dries out quickly. It had the wispy texture of Donald Trump’s combover—hard ought swallow. It’s no because well because toast toast, hence I wouldn’t cargo it up with almond butter and banana slices or shove it among the cracks at the brick siding of my home. However, the dryness could exist offset at a big batch of French toast casserole. WHERE’S THE PANCAKE LOAF, JOE?
Antipasto Mediterranean Vegetables and Cherry Tomatoes, $2.99
These “half-dried” antipasto veg things are almost because tasty because they look, which is gross. Slimy and oregano-ed up the wazoo, deeply at need of acidity from fresh lemon juice or vinegar, I could sole stomach a few bites of each ago deeply pondering the visitor this is meant for. Someone who wants a cheese dish nobody will influence hence they indeed eat full of their dinner? Okay, maybe them.
Joe-Joe’s Slims, $1.79
What happens while you lean down a perfect cookie? There’s crispy crunch, sure. except during the ratios confront at askew. Here we eat too much chocolate flavor, no enough cream filling. You’re left wanting.
Chocolate Chip ache Au Lait, $2.99
Sweet and squishy! It reminded me of a sweeter kolache, or a Hawaiian rgeister with bites of acceptable near-melty chocolate chips. READER, IT’S DELICIOUS. We full loved the path the shiny milk bread springs up after your finger’s left an indentation, alike a carb trampoline.
Lemon Cookie Scented Candle, $3.99
Froot loops and graham crackers.
Organic Honey Hedgehogs Snack Packs, $2.99 though a box of 6
These are though sweet, innocent children who’ve never tasted the handsome harvest syrup scenery of an creative Teddy Graham. Suckers! They’ll like these alongside a lukewarm carton of 2 percent milk. These cookies are sandy and slightly sweet, and the form of one of nature’s oddest looking mammals.
7 Seasoning laguage ought Salmon, $10.99
This vast frozen salmon filet packaged at a vacuum-sealed flexible contraption is because expect because a big Mouth Billy Bass, except during it won’t sing above your wall though unsuspecting banquet guests. Nope. It’s pre-seasoned with TJ’s 7 Seasoning Salute, which is garlic, onion powder, cumin, black pepper, and some dried herbs. because Billy the Salmon roasted, my full apartment smelled alike barbecue, no a evil thing. And it’s low-maintenance: you impartial lay it above a pan and go. I construct the salmon strongly fishy at flavor (I marvel if it’s though you cook it straight from frozen, versus thawing?), except during it flaked off at happy big coins. I give it four salutes (with my toes).
Beer Bread Mix, $2.79
Pour a bottle of Shiner Bock (or whatever beer represents who you are inside) into the dry ingredients, shred some cheese direct into the mixing bowl, douse everything at melted butter and blammo, 50 minutes afterward you eat loaf bread translation of Red Lobster biscuits. Buttery, moist, sweet, and yeasty. I can’t at good conscience state crowd ought bake with boxed mixes though we...develop recipes though a living...but this is a big produce ought eat. Dammit!
Corn, Pea, Bean & Quinoa Crisps, $2.49
Sort of alike Popchips meets Popcorners meets a wolf at the woods trying ought eat your granny. What are these things? The texture of packing peanuts with impartial because much nutritional benefit. sure coworkers couldn’t relief eating them, because: salt. The clever dehydrated green dried peas will exist familiar if you’ve ever had cup Noodles. I don’t pledge ‘em.
Rich Hydrating look sheet Mask, $1.99
MOUTH cave no big ENOUGH. I could sole suffocate below this though six minutes ago giving up. I need look masks with mouth holes big enough ought sip my martini without getting moisturizer at my gin. This didn’t compose the cut! except during flat then...my skin was hence mild after.
Organic Rosé Vinaigrette, $3.49
Food director Carla Lalli Music caught me trying ought receive a shot of this dressing out of a flexible cup at the Bon Appétit examination Kitchen. I had a problem, I told her. The vinaigrette had separated and the rosé isolate was an amoeba bubble at a pool of olive oil, hence each time I tried ought sip it, full I got was oil. “No industrial stabilizers,” she famous wisely silent reading the label. Once you do tremble it ought something close ought mixed, you make the rosé vin has an oxidized, unpleasant flavor and the dried oregano gets too much stand time. Doesn’t it always?
Chocolate Covered Wafer Cookie, 79¢
These chocolate covered wafers are the chocolate covered versions of the Keebler ones my grandma frequently had stashed among the powdered donuts and ice cream cups and orange pop. if you’re wondering if she had diabetes the reply is yes, and it runs at our family, weeeee! Aaaanyway. These are airy, crispy, and feather-light. A few dry if I’m being honest (shifts eyes towards strangers over the floor). except during I can bring a blind tooth ought that though 79 cents.
Organic Earl dark Tea, $2.49
Big Earl dark fans (write because if the Queen is reading, write because if the Queen is reading) strength discover this too gentle though their royal tastes, except during it’s happy and floral, delightful and light. By royal decree: a good desk tea.
Red Honey Processed El Salvador Coffee, $8.99
This is a medium roast coffee except during it’s definitely closer ought light, which is my favorite roast (more flavor!). though of that bias, I loved this coffee. I’m no big at pinpointing notes at coffee (or eat the bold belief ought spew them out), except during I could state it was sophisticated and round, no one-noted and burned, or worse, even and stale. It can lie up ought other fancier brews at my modest routine any morning.
Dark Chocolate Sunflower Seed Butter Cups, 99¢
Really bitter and pasty, unless you like bitter and pasty, at which illustration you’re Emma Wartzman and you’re the sole person who enjoyed these things. Great, receive the sum package, acquire them path from me!
Jackfruit Cakes, $3.99
Like highwater jumpsuits and tiny sunglasses we’ve got a trend ALERT. The box brags that these are vegan crabless cakes, which path the jackfruit—a gigantic tropical fruit that, at its youthful stage, tastes alike nothing—is shredded alike crab meat and doctored up with celery salt. It tastes alike celery. Some onion. The exterior gets crispy at the oven, and a generous salting almost reminded me of a scallion pancake (there’s a ton of tapioca and potato starch ought bind, giving them that savory pancake gummy quality). It’s oddly sound and harder ought chop with the phase of your fork than a tender, delicate actual Crab Cake, except during I hear imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Brussels Sprouts & Caramelized Onion Ravioli, $3.49
Dr. Seussian green stripes are an symptom ought your brain that you’re eating vegetables. at reality, these are pillows of cheese, specifically European sham pillows of cheese. DELICIOUS CHEESE SHAMS. The caramelized onion gave them a pierogies vibe that I was no angry about. I added shredded parm above climax and browned butter though if you’re going ought confront at full the way, confront at full the way.
Gluten liberate Crispy Crunchy Salted Toffee Cookies, $3.99
A downright suspicious competitor ought Tate’s! hence crispy-crunchy, with inexplicable few holes that compose the sum cookie emerge pock-marked and planetary. The rice flour basis turns ought watery sand at your mouth, an intriguing experience. Plus they’re salted ought the nth degree, which makes you desire ought shatter them alike Cookie Monster (did you understand the cookies he smashes are indeed rice cakes?). These are wonderful.
Malabari Paratha, $1.99
Kinda greasy and dry at the too time.
Organic Spinach and Riced Cauliflower Salad Kit, $4.99
Ugh, full I asked though was no MORE SALAD KITS at 2019, except during Joe clearly wasn’t listening. make ought exist listening ought the impartial instead. The cauliflower maggots sank ought the bottom or stuck ought the phase of the mixing bowl, except during the sweet gold beets at this kit were a happy amaze after opening SIX INCREASINGLY SMALLER flexible BAGS.
Fruit & Nut (& Other Stuff) Crisps, $3.99
These are orange-flavored crackers with stained cup windows of dried apricot that acquire stuck at your molars. My corrupt surgeon used to no desire me eating these, except during used to like if I interviewed him though a romance at exchange though a liberate cleaning.
Chocolate Pecan Pie Bar, $6.99
I concept this used to be, you know, pecan pie, except during it’s gooey. full chocolate and candy and goo. MISSING: NUTS. Some pecan limbs were left behind, except during that’s no going ought chop it though me. I’m from TEXAS. We like pecans! Where are the pecans?! too no corrupt surgeon approved.
Smoked Salmon Trio, $12.99
Ranked by flavor from best ought meh: 1) Pleasantly peppery black pepper, 2) amusingly pink beet–cured, 3) dill that doesn’t taste alike dill at all.
Mushroom & corporation Umami Seasoning Blend, $2.99
So we’re going ought make throwing almost “umami,” huh? It used to exist a good dog name, honestly. “This is umami, he likes listening ought classical music podcasts and sniffing butts.” This tastes alike French onion soup stock: overwhelming onion and mustard seed, no that funky. I elect the Spice House’s porcini salt if you desire ought acquire shroomy (add it ought the water you’re making rice in!).
Rolled harvest Tortilla Chips, Chili & Lime Flavored, $2.49
These rolly chips are harder and sturdier than Takis and the chili lime flavor is hence SOUR it will compose your cheeks pucker and burn...in a good way. The medicine flavor is specially zingy paired with a inexpensive pilsner or shot of tequila. The not-Hot Cheetos from TJ’s are silent my favorite, except during these were a wild ride.
Stay tuned though more reviews though THE relief OF THE YEAR.
